Left, right, gone
Last updated Saturday, December 2, 2006 5:24 PM CST in Columns
BY John Brummett
The Morning News
It's been a while since we used this space to choose up sides in the vaunted American culture war.
But suddenly the bizarre hit movie "Borat" seems to have intensified hostilities. A trend-addicted, ever-pondering conservative columnist at The New York Times calls the goofy film mass blue-state condescension toward red-state values.
Maybe. But it also might be that holy-rollers, drunken South Carolinian frat boys and xenophobic aging cowboys are riper subjects for a weird British satirist in search of self-caricaturing Americans. Borat also pokes fun at three stuffy New York City feminists, which wasn't hard, either.
Anyway, people need to know where to enlist in this culture war. Here's your updated guide, starting with the movie itself.
If you haven't seen it and hardly know what I'm talking about, you might be on either the cultural right, since the film is not an action adventure flick, or the cultural left, since it's not showing at an art house or connected in any way to Woody Allen, Christopher Guest or the Coen brothers.
You're on the cultural left if you cracked up watching it because of its penetrating revelation of the lamebrainness of bourgeois Americans. You're on the cultural right if you walked out because the movie was gross, particularly during the naked scrap with the incredibly fat guy.
You're on the cultural right if you lean to "Grey's Anatomy." You're on the cultural left if it's "Brothers and Sisters."
You're on the cultural right if it's Calista Flockhart. You're on the cultural left if it's Sally Field.
You're on the cultural right if it's Denny Crane. You're on the cultural left if it's Alan Shore.
You're on the cultural right if it's the SEC. You're on the cultural left if it's the Pac-10.
You're on the cultural right if it's Houston. You're on the cultural left if it's still Nolan.
You're on the cultural right with Mitch Mustain and the cultural left with Robert Johnson. With Darren McFadden, it's first cultural right, then cultural left, then gone.
You're on the cultural left if it's Fayetteville or Little Rock or Eureka Springs. You're on the cultural right anywhere else in Arkansas.
You're on the cultural right if it was cornbread dressing. You're on the cultural left if it contained oysters.
You're on the cultural right if it was fruit salad. You're on the cultural left it was a tossed green salad with homemade cranberry vinaigrette.
You're on the cultural right if it was pecans. You're on the cultural left if it was walnuts.
You're on the cultural right if it was sweet tea. You're on the cultural left if it was pinot grigio.
You're on the cultural right if it was a football game on TV and a nap afterward. You're on the cultural left if it was a walk with the dog.
Left: Ellen, Letterman, Couric. Right: Dr. Phil, Leno, Brian Williams.
You're on the cultural left if you spent your Mexican vacation in San Miguel de Allende. You're on the cultural right if you think you needn't leave home anymore to go to Mexico.
You're on the cultural left if you play Mahjong. You're on the cultural right if you play dominoes.
Estrogen runs left and testosterone right, disregarding Condi and Bill Clinton.
You're on the cultural right if it's deer-hunting, duck-hunting and golf. You're on the cultural left it it's pheasant-hunting, bicycling and tennis.
Yellow mustard is on the right and brown mustard the left. Bass are right; bream left. Potatoes are right; pasta and rice are left. You're on the cultural right with marinara and the cultural left with pesto.
Now do you know what you are?
Me? Just call me D-Mac. I'm left, then right, now gone.
About this columnist
John Brummett has been writing about Arkansas and national politics for three decades and as a regular columnist since 1986. Email Brummett at jbrummett@arkansasnews.com.
Click here to read his blog.
Reader Comments (7 comment(s))
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LWood wrote on Dec 3, 2006 10:02 AM:
drew pritt wrote on Dec 3, 2006 11:24 AM:
reader wrote on Dec 3, 2006 11:56 AM:
Not already registered?
Sorry John to use your space, again! wrote on Dec 3, 2006 8:07 AM: