Bob's Latest Tweets
Centerton Mayor Needs His Own Scorecard
Last updated Saturday, November 24, 2007 10:02 PM CST in Columns
Bob Caudle
THE MORNING NEWS
Mayor Who's-it of Centerton told reporters this week he had once been a preacher in New York.
Then, the mayor continued, he'd been kidnapped by Satanists, found by his family, been found by Satanists again, the Satanists threatened his wife and two daughters, the mayor feared for his family's safety, rode off into the sunset on a bicycle, traveled the country, traveled the world, and finally settled in Centerton.
Somewhere in there, he got remarried and appointed mayor of Centerton, then kept getting re-elected because -- let's face it, he's one of the more sane people living in Centerton.
Centerton Mayor Ken Williams resigned Wednesday and acknowledged he has been living under an assumed identity since 1980.
You just know the mayor and city officials in Lowell were high-fiving each other and offering free stagecoach rides after hearing the news out of Centerton.
Lowell suing an individual over a city-owned stagecoach pales in comparision to the Sybil-like story coming out of Centerton. (Sybil is that woman who had multiple personalities, played in a movie by Sally Field, who has to get paid to have a personality.)
Williams was appointed mayor in 2001 after former Mayor Mike Wakefield -- no relation to any McCoys -- resigned as part of a plea agreement for vandalism, public intoxication and resisting arrest. Sounds pretty tame after the recent Centerson fiasco.
Last week, in a nutshell -- the operative word being nut -- Centerton's Mayor Pick A. Kname admitted to living a double life. (A single life in Centerton is bad enough. A double life is twice as bad.)
And now here's where the story gets really weird.
Mayor Whoever told reporters that the Satanists had hooked an "electric" machine to his head, erased his memory, brain-washed him into believing he was somebody else and he only regained bits and pieces of his memory after a doctor had shot him full of "truth serum."
Truth serum would likely be ineffective for most elected officials in Northwest Arkansas, because you have to know the truth to tell it. But we really need to get one of those brain washers for some of our other elected officials in Northwest Arkansas -- assuming we can find any with a brain to wash.
For instance, we could hook up Fudville (Fayetteville) Mayor Dan Coody to it and make him forget he'd ever been mayor of Fudville -- something he'd probably appreciate.
Springdale Mayor Jerre Van Hoose, who spent at least 5 minutes at the last city budget meeting, has apparently already forgotten he's mayor, so there's no use there.
And we could hook the machine up to Rogers Mayor Steve Womack and, just for laughs, let a Hispanic throw the switch on-and-off every few seconds.
Williams' resignation comes after revelations he assumed the identity of a dead man, walking, and that his real name is Don LaRose. He walked away from a wife and two daughters in Hammond, Ind., and assumed the name Bruce Kent Williams, he said during a news conference.
If he'd just included, "I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison. I went to pick her up in the rain. But before I could get to the station in my pick-uuup truck, she got run over by a damned ol' train ... " he'd have had the perfect country and western song.
It's not like the guy was trying to hide, though. Williams had established a Web site to tell his story.
And, he worked locally as a radio personality at KAMO and KURM.
Boy, something like that could add a lot to an episode of one of KURM's "Dial-A-Trade" shows, where people call in to offer trades on the air.
"Yeah, this is Joe from Lowell. I'd like to trade a used stagecoach for a Satanic mayor."
They never quite tell the truth about what they've got to trade on that show. And a Satanic mayor is probably more marketable than a brain-washed mayor, no matter how many times you've run that brain through the rinse cycle.
For his part, Williams said he doesn't have mental health problems and doesn't take any psychoactive drugs.
He says that after admitting he was treated in a mental hospital in 1976 in Chicago, where doctors gave him the "truth serum" that helped him remember the abduction the previous year.
Williams, and a psydonym to be named later, said it was the right thing to resign as mayor and he put both names on his resignation letter.
You've got to think there are three possibilities:
No. 1: He's telling the truth.
No. 2: He walked out of a marraige without having to pay for a divorce -- twice.
No. 3: He's just written a screenplay for a television series, or movie, about multiple personalities.
Somewhere, Sybil, and every one of her split personalities, is insanely jealous.
About this columnist
Bob Caudle is a senior reporter with The Morning News. He writes a humorous commentary on local, state and national issues every Sunday. He is an equal opportunity insulter.
Reader Comments (1 comment(s))
The following comments are provided by readers and are the sole responsibility of their authors. The Morning News does not review comments before their publication, nor do we guarantee their accuracy. By publishing a comment here you agree to abide by our comment policy. If you see a comment that violates our policy, please notify the web editor.
Not already registered?
native44 wrote on Nov 25, 2007 1:53 AM: