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Masonry A Dangerous Savage
Last updated Friday, November 28, 2008 10:11 PM CST in Columns
By Bob Caudle
THE MORNING NEWS
Today on Mutual of Arkansas' Wild Kingdom, Jim and Marlin will stalk the wily Northwest Arkansas masonry mailbox.
Masonry mailboxes are perhaps the most dangerous breed of mailboxes in the Ozark Mountains, especially in Washington County.
The mailboxes have been known to attack and consume entire cars and the car's passengers.
Extremely territorial, a masonry mailbox will attack virtually any type of vehicle that attempts to invade the mailbox's space.
Unfortunately, masonry mailboxes that have assaulted a vehicle must be shot immediately, since once a mailbox tastes a car or truck, the mailbox will seek more in a savage, bloody rampage.
According to a report in The Morning News,Washington County Judge Jerry Hunton persuaded the Quorum Court to pass an emergency ordinance recently banning masonry mailboxes and requiring they be built at least two feet from the edge of the road.
The measure passed 11-1 with Justice of the Peace Micah Neal casting the lone, sane "no" vote.
Emergency ordinances take effect immediately after passage. The measure requires new mailboxes be built of light sheet metal or plastic that will collapse if struck by a car and/or baseball bat.
Yes, having solved all the other problems in the county, the justices of the peace were able to take swift action on the marauding mailboxes jumping in front of cars.
Hunton said the ordinance keeps county residents from building fortified mailboxes too close to county roads, a hazard that could lead to a major injury or fatality when a driver accidentally strikes one of the structures. That's as opposed to when a driver purposefully strikes one of the structures.
Now, this is just a suggestion after the fact. Normal people in Washington County certainly can't match the logic or wisdom of the Quorum Court ... but how about passing a law that the people driving the cars that hit the mailboxes keep their stinkin' cars on the stinkin' road?
Don't be putting on make-up. Don't be talking on a cell phone. Don't be tuning in the radio.
Drive.
Pay attention and drive.
Hunton's not running for re-election and one wonders if he just woke up one morning and thought, "Geez, I've not done anything near as goofy as some of the things that Benton County Judge Gary Black has done. I'd better get with it."
Hunton had to think long and hard to come up with something goofier than some of the stunts Black has pulled -- but to Hunton's credit, he succeeded admirably.
Not just anybody's thought process goes, "Moving cars are hitting stationary mailboxes. We should move the mailboxes."
Uhhh ... just one problem. The United States Postal Service regulations are a tad different from the county's ordinance: "Subject to state laws and regulations, a curbside mailbox must be placed to allow safe and convenient delivery by carriers without leaving their vehicles ... "
Notice the words, "state laws and regulations."
No where in the rules does it say anything about a group of justices of the peace, dictating where a mailbox is placed.
So, here's to you, Jerry Hunton, great man of genius, keeping the roads safe from angry mailboxes.
Retire after the first of the year, grab a lawn chair, a shotgun and sit by your mailbox. The first car that comes careening down the road out of control ... shoot the mailbox.
The world will be safer, and you can have the mailbox stuffed and mounted on your den wall, right beside that deadly electric pole.
About this columnist
Bob Caudle is a senior reporter with The Morning News. He writes a humorous commentary on local, state and national issues every Sunday. He is an equal opportunity insulter.
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abloger wrote on Dec 2, 2008 6:19 PM:
Do you get paid for this? "